February 12, 2005

COMMENTARY

South proves to be a mystery

 Thirasant Mann

Despite riding an unparalleled wave of popularity into the political history

books, our man from the North who calls himself South remains mystified

about the shockingly dismal outcome of the election in that nether region:

just one seat, in Phangnga, and that too probably due to the tsunami.

 Clearly the millions of paper birds he'd had the military lovingly bombard

the deep South with, had failed miserably to peck sense into their thick

skulls: that southerners must vote South, not Democrat. Should've dumped the

real thing on them _ would've given them something to sneeze about, the foul

wretches.

 What a stain on my name! Can't change it though, too wellknown and

well-liked. It'd be easier to change the region, turn it into some kind of a

blasted hub. Name it ``Gateway to the North'' or something.

 And why not? I've got the parliamentary clout. Can do what I wish now. If I

can be called South, then the South surely can be named North. (Must

remember to ask the retired general his expert views on this when he's not

nodding off.)

 As it is, with my party's overwhelming victory across the rest of the

nation, one wouldn't be wrong to say this is now truly a South-run country.

 Only way to proceed is way up North, which means going South to deal

decisively with this insurgent nonsense.

 Pity we don't have the Demolition Man on our side, his loud mouth and

clobbering hammer would've come in handy. Besides, if he were to invest in a

few massage parlours down there, our men in green and khaki could unwind

with therapists at his cost, thereby becoming less jittery about the locals,

who happily are going about their business of dying at the hands of

motorcyclists who think their prayers make them invisible.

 Which reminds me, must dispatch more night-vision goggles to the troops _

only thing is, how to make sure they won't get into the wrong hands.

 O-ho, Paktai baan rao! It's going to be the ruin of me _ apart from the

anti-privatisation state labour unions _ but no, mustn't panic. Take a deep

breath. One, two, three. Exhale slowly.

 Four years. Still plenty of time. Must handle this all by myself, though,

like practically everything else.

 Waddaya know, even the Wadah faction has proven useless. Wan Nor had better

have some answers ready. Can't send Newin down there, either. He'd be

promising them cash crops out of season.

 I'm a peace-loving, family man who listens only to his wife. So how come my

namesake is so wracked by violence? Makes my heart bleed. Perhaps my son

could take his ferris wheels down there to entertain the people, helping

them forget their plight for a few stomach-churning moments of fun? Would

help reduce the traffic on Ratchadapisek at the very least.

 Meantime, things must proceed as planned. MP or no MP, troops must still be

stationed down there. Plans for a new division specifically for the deep

South must go ahead. A change in strategy would only lead to a surge in

separatist violence.

 I've promised them peace and they shall have it, even if piecemeal. And if

they want to protest, we're not going to stop them. Let them go on a hunger

strike for years, if that's how they want to reduce weight. I've dealt with

Pak Moon, I can deal with this. They're taking their own sweet time about

it, but one day they'll find out how misconceived their notions are about

giving birth to an independent state. What schools do these people attend, I

wonder? Must put the right man in the Education Ministry this time. Which

means none other but yours truly _ again.

 While this South is in charge, there can be no other South, leave alone a

South separate from South. Now the people do not believe in us, but one day

they will because what we're doing is right. They may still believe in

propaganda. But we understand them. It's the propaganda we find bewildering.

Just you wait, in 2009, the entire South will vote for the man from the

North who calls himself South. For the moment, we must have enough men to

guard the ``Gateway to the North'' from fanatics crossing over from Allah

alone knows where, 'cause the Malaysians certainly haven't a clue.

 Thirasant Mann is a sub-editor of Bangkok Post.